February & March 1994, Folio copy

Sunday February 13, 1994, Back of the Book Tomorrow is Valentineís Day. Your crusty, old host will probably discuss what fun it is to shoot arrows into saints. After that heíll no doubt recount the details of the long love life heís had with his faithful right hand. Since itís now the middle of Winter your host is probably having a hard time clawing through his long underwear and is no doubt even more hormonally imbalanced than usual. This, indeed, is why he is so crusty. Testosterone forms a major part of the crust, and if heís baked at 275 degrees in a pre-heated studio he should come out crispy as well as crusty. In an equal time segment Goofus the Rancid Bacon Strip explains why he thinks Chef Merde Zut is a neo-fascist carnivore and should be euthanized with an overdose of carrot juice. In other health news, Mr. Tooth Decay ( Republican Conservative candidate for jock itch in Southern California) denounces the proposed universal health coverage plan because itís unfair to bacteria. Free Form Live Radio by R. Paul Martin.

Sunday February 27, 1994, Back of the Book All of the musical segments on this program will be supplied by our new, live orchestra. So send in your requests for Mick Turition and his Flowing Yellow Band. Mick gives his recipe for kidney pie. In a sacred segment Pope Weaselpenis XVI premieres his new game show called Strip Theology. Based on a centuries old game played at the seminary it involves altar boys in bare feet and ultra- conservative cardinals who have recently had conversations with dog spelled backwards. To liven the game up for home consumption a naughty deacon will pop up every so often and contestants have to guess what heís just done with a choir boy. In a press release His Unholiness said, "This ought to make them forget Fulton J. Sheen. After all, he was just a Bishop, Iím a goddamned Pope fer Chrissakes!" Hector and Anvil cover the Mortuary Morals Squad as they crack down on vice among the deceased. Besides uncovering some really old hookers the Squad exposes a major scandal of the right wing dead when the corpses of J. Edgar Hoover and Roy Cohn are found together in a secret love tryst. Free Form Live Radio by R. Paul Martin.

Sunday March 13, 1994, Back of the Book In a breaking health/Welt Politik segment Ennui The Hedgehog interviews a man who advertises himself as The Wart Master. Claiming hegemony over all bodily growths, The Wart Master, from his capital Carnositium, declares that he will assemble an army of warts which he will direct against his arch enemy The King of Clinkers. This crisis has been precipitated by the discovery that The Clinker King has secretly stockpiled megagallons of a commercially available wart remover, which is in direct violation of the Treaty of Orifice. Renouncing the Treaty, The Wart Master has set about accumulating a large amount of two ply bath tissue, purely in self defense, he claims. Following up on this story Itchy T. Echidna interviews the Duchess of Dandruff who says that there is considerable foment in her tiny republic now that these two giants have kicked over the traces of all civilized behavior and appear set on a course for internecine conflict. Nostradamus shows up and says, "See! I told you so! I predicted this centuries ago!" Free Form Live Radio by R. Paul Martin.

Sunday March 27, 1994, Back of the Book Could it be? Has Spring finally arrived?! Can we peel the Winter caulking from our bodies at last and bask in non-glacial weather? In a parental segment Hector and Anvil discuss why Kathy Lee has named her children after early '50s TV heroes Commando Cody and Hopalong Cassidy. Discussion centers around whether the next one will be named after Froggy the Magic Gremlin or Crusader Rabbit. Howdy Doody and Rootie Kazootie have already been ruled out as being too euphonious. In an ectoplasmic segment, Pope Weaselpenis XVI interviews The Holy Ghost who has declared that he has had it with being a second class deity. "Being a second class member of a Trinity doesn't leave you feeling very much like a god. I gotta tell you I'm pissed off," says the oft-neglected Master of the Universe. "I mean, okay, I got to knock up the Blessed Virgin Mary, but what have I done since then?" The Holy Ghost has demanded that the order of deities in the "Sign of the Cross" be rotated. "Why, half the prayers I receive are misdirected ones that are really meant for Casper the Friendly Ghost!" he says. The third place deity threatens to open negotiations with Lucifer unless he gets a better plot line in the Bible. Free Form Live Radio by R. Paul Martin.

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